I'm sorry

I am sorry for not talking yesterday. I got caught up in work and was unable to talk. I apologize to everybody for yesterday. I am back today. Yesterday was not a good day for me and food. I had eggs, hashbrowns and sausage for breakfast. Then I had some animal crackers for snack. I had soup for lunch. My afternoon snack was yogurt, pudding and jello. I had cereal for dinner. I feel that is too much to eat. I feel that I am back on track today. I had oatmeal for breakfast. I am having lean pockets for lunch (eventually I like to only be full off of 1 of them, but today I am having both). I will have the same afternoon snack as yesterday and finish that off with a salad for dinner. I am trying to drink tons of water and am getting there. I haven't heard from you in a while and hope to read something soon. Talk to everybody tomorrow.

Thanks for listening!

I'm Back

I told you I would say something today. Everything I ate yesterday worked itself out pretty good. It was healthier and kept me full. Today, I have had a little lapse. I did not eat any breakfast today. I know, not good. I have been lagging behind all day. I had a snack around 1030, which was some animal crackers and milk. I have just got done my lunch, which was some soup. I ahve a feeling that I will be hungry in a couple hours again. My goal is to have some yogurt and jello for snack and some cereal for dinner. I also have to start drinking my protein. It has been a couple of weeks and I need it. I am hoping to have a protein shake around 5. I will keep you updated on my progress.

Thanks for listening!

Today

Today is a good day. I think I have a meal plan for the week (although you never know when something will happen). I had a nice sandwich for breakfast and a yogurt for a snack. I had Lean Pockets for lunch (which were excellent). I will eat some Jell-O for a snack with a couple animal crackers with some milk as a snack. For dinner, I will eat a salad. I think I am on the right trakc (I hope so). I am hoping to do some sit-ups tonight and really start losing this weight. Are you with me. I know you are. We can do it. I will post another one tomorrow.

Together

We can do this together. We can conquer all. No longer will we hide behind the food. I know that we, together, can achieve anything we want. I know we can lose the weight. Right now, I am the heaviest I have ever been. I do not like the person I have become with all this weight gain. For some reason, food has been tasting better and better and that is scary for me. I am trying to keep my emotions in check as I write this, but is hard. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to eat and eat and eat. PLEASE help me. I know we can succeed together and achieve any goal we want. Please take this journey with me. There may be bumps in the road, but there is nobody I rather do it with than you. Please.

Re: Friend or Foe

This morning I have been up since 4am trying to clear my mind and come to grips with this last relapse. I know I should move on and forget the past and stand strong in the present . But I can't there are so many unanswered questions that are hindering me from moving on. Such as why did I relapse, what makes this relapse different.

Personally I believe this time I hurt more than just myself . The disappointment on ppl faces when I told the truth about me recurring addiction, can't be erase from my mind. Food is a very powerful substance if not content or controlled properly and even can become your worst enemy. My heart and my mind are in a serious battle they don't agree on what is good for me but insist on bring my body down to there unhealthy level.

Relapsing for me is like committing food suicide it has deadly consequences. I've been here before emotionally, and mentally and did my sobriety and clean up quick This time it is not that easy the pain in my heart that has recently surface has lead me to rely on my old friend comfort food.

This could be another excuse to continue or the true reasoning for my spiral downfall. For whatever reason or source of the pain I have to nip it in the bud. And then and only then can I regain my dignity because right now I am a food addict exposed .

Holla @ your girl

Defining Moments

Well I am still trying to hang in there and not give up. Today was a tough day for me because I had to share with my peers that I had again gained weight 15lbs to be exact. I was very embarrassed because they looked up to me for guidance and my secrets were front and center I was getting high on my own supply( bad food choices ). However you look at it, I could no longer sugar coat my recent relapse and I could not concern my self with the black lash of the gossip. I must press on and save myself. It became very easy for me to encourage and save someone else but it seems shameful if I even put a little effort into saving myself. But I read something today that was so profound it was talking about Defining Moments and with all the negativity of my recent relapse it gave me a chance to think and remember one of my defining moments in my recovery. I was wearing a 28 size dress and it took 10 long years but the day came in 2008 when I went into the department store and tried on a dress a size 14 and it fit. I cried !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That moment defined who I was a strong beautiful person , that was determined enough to save her own life and live free from a addiction of food and gain control of my obesity. What is your defining moment that will happen or has happen in your recovery ?

Holla @ your girl

Falling

I am trying to get back on the wagon. I will admit, it is hard. I have to do it. I have to. I keep coming up with excuses as why I am off and I am tired of it. I am tired of failing in my quest to lose weight. I just feel myself getting fatter and fatter. I must stop. I need help. Lately, I have been eating everything in sight. I must stop eating. I have a weigh in coming up in two days, from that point on I will succeed. That weight on Wednesday will be my starting weight and I will lose the pounds. I WILL SUCCEED! Please take this journey with me. I NEED HELP. PLEASE.

Recovery vs The Fall

Falling off the wagon is so easy to do but so hard to recover from, you feel depleted when you begin to work hard to recover and regain control and the scale is still convinced that you are still cheating with the bad food choices. Recovery leaves a lump in your throat and a bad memories on your mind. Like regretting the fall and coping with the recovery. Its becoming a full time task that I have brought on myself. I must work extra hard to even begin to see change in my attitude in my personality and in my body. My heart wants to stay focus but my mind must be willing also, my personality has lost its shine because of shame. I use to be the hype girl in public, but behind close doors I am a addict who binges days at a time. Last but not last my body feels torn down from the con stance roller coaster ride. I guess some would call it yo yo diet. Well these are my feelings and I am sticking with it. If you decide to cheat by eating pizza, snacks, soda pop, ice cream. Be ready to pay the price at the scale or the tightness in your clothes and I am a witness it is not worth it. Every time you fall off the wagon the recovery gets harder and harder save your self the heartache and the pain.

Stay on track and holla at your girl let me know that I am not alone in this journey.
K

To be or Not to be Clean that is the Question.

It has been 24 hours since I decided to get back on the wagon. Very tough too because I stepped on the scale and the numbers seem to keep going up. That is a good reason to eat because I feel discouraged, but I would be eating out of emotions not because of hunger.

But in order to feel in type of accomplishments I must see this through and be very happy that I made it through the night.Without falling off the wagon again so soon. Being in this state of confusion wanting to eat and trying to save my life is a struggle the withdraw is painful. In order to come out of this in one piece I had to give me one more chance

I am worth saving and so are you. I survived tonight but my addiction is not cured this is just one night. I have many more to go indeed this is a small step that can lead to another but it is all up to me and your recovery is all up to you. While I am typing this, I am thinking about foods that will soothe me right now that is how bad my addiction is...
Holla @ your girl if you understand.

Confessions

HELP!!!!!!!!! I need it. Ever since the big party day of the year (super bowl), I can't stop eating. I need to stop. How? How can I stop this eating machine. I am eating lunch now and have been offered a big free soft pretzel (being from Philly, they are really good). How do I not eat it? How can I resist. I know I shouldn't but it is calling my name. I am full now so I will not eat now. But what is stopping me from eating it two hours later. I should throw it out but free is free and I don't want the pretzel to go to waste. What is a person to do?

Re Reality of Confessions

This is a sad reality that we all must face sooner than later and that is the consequences of our actions. Well in my case it would be my overeating and binging. Yes, its been fun and I had a blast and I ate till I busted a couple of buttons on my pants. But the reality is my addiction is not helping me instead everyday I am causing my own destruction. Facing the truth hurts and right now as I sit at my computer realizing that the only person I have hurt is the person that I see everyday in the mirror. I've only hurt myself once again. I have to decide is it better for me and my well being to continue to confess to you my desires and my need to keep up my love affair that I have with food. Or think of meaningful ways to fight back. Yes, I am back on the wagon and I am determine not to give up.But I am still eating late at night and early mornings. So the weight I fought so hard to take off is creeping up on me in a disguise such as a cheeseburger, french fries, coffee cakes, chips, cheese curls, and potato chips and ice cream. Who was I fooling thinking I could still eat that way and still stay my same weight. In one months time I have gain 15 lbs no kidding and it took me one year to keep that same 15lbs off. You be the judge is it worth it! Will I fall again of course! Will I preach this sermon to my self again and again . YES! Do I need the supervision of a pad and a pen to write down everything piece of food I put in my mouth. Absolutely! Will I have to count calories more than likely, and will I have to stand accountable every second, every minute, every hour, every day. YES! It's up to me! If I don't stop I would be responsible for my own suicide (caused by the consumption of fatty foods and greasy build up on the arteries ) the talk at the funeral home will be how did she die the obvious answer would be ( OBESITY ! They would go on to say she always said she wanted to lose weight but her could have, would have , should have came a day to late).

Holla at your girl don't let the ppl speak on your behalf save yourself as I choose to do tonight. Together we will fall and get up and face this addiction together you are not alone.

Big Confession

I have a big confession today. Yesterday I fell completely off the wagon and have not landed yet. I ate and ate and ate. And after that, I ate some more. Yesterday, I was in junk food heaven. I stayed there all day and night. I try not to eat after 8 at night, well yesterday that time was 11. I know it was a food holiday yesterday with the Super Bowl. I should not use that as an excuse. I should have showed some restraint. I didnt. and believe me, I ate. Donuts, pizza, wings, shrimp, cheese puffs, chips, ice cream and more donuts, I couldn't control myself. Today is like a food hangover, I need help. Please, anybody, help me!

Re : These are my Confessions

What's up,

For no reason at all I have been eating enormous amounts of food. More then the usually 2thousand calories. I blamed my eating today on the Superbowl, I thought celebrating before the game came on would be nice.So I made a big pot of chili with sauce and ate it all by myself. What the hell was I thinking? It was good. But after 5 bowls fill to the top I could not stop. Along with 2 big bag of nachos. But now my meal time is over my food is gone and the emotion madness of guilt begins. I don't even understand football, but an addict will use any excuse or reason to use or to eat.
I must have this quote down to a science I will start again on Monday. You may read this and say what the hell is wrong with this girl. Don't she want to stop! Don't she want to lose weight she has gone to far this time. My answer is you're correct and I agree with any comment or statement that advises me to stop. But as an addict, that needs food to survive there is no pill or drug that is going to last as long as life. There are however tricks and treats to fool you into believing there is an answer out there but the answer lies within you. Keep counting my slip ups because as many times as I FALL OFF THE WAGON you better believe the next day I am getting back on. It does not count how many times you fall what matters the most is whet er you get up or stay there. See each time you get up and start over that is a start and each fall after awhile is going to hurt less and less.This is a lifestyle change so there will be disappointment and there will be times you will get discouraged but one day we will beat down this addiction that's keeping us from living a healthy and happy lifestyle. Do I stand alone in this fight or will you fight with me .

Holla @ your girl.